255. Mix

08.06.2016

4.59pm

Windy weather

Lately, I have been through a lot of worries (especially in the matter of; work, love and friendship).

Guess this month is not a good month for me, huh?

Therefore, I decided to go for a solo trip.

Perhaps, you can called it "running away from reality".

Work.

The manager seems to be bias on me (the negative bias), not sure why she has to find issues with me?

What is her problem (my god)? She rated me below average for my appraisal, seriously? Am I so bad in my work? -.-

To be honest, I doubt that. But I did not defense myself, as 

1) I do not want to create issue with this lady, and

2) My senior is such a coward who will not backup his team (cos himself did nothing to support his own appraisal)

I have accepted all kind of opinions from her, yet she still find more issues with me!

Total fuck!

Love.

He is treating me alright.
Its me.
If there is issue occur in the relationship, it would be caused by me.
I wish, I could love you with all my heart.
Perhaps, if that day we did not argue, perhaps, this thing could not be taken place.
Sorry, Love.

254. A BEAUTIFUL SWEETNOTHING

To fei g,

I am unhappy, a little tears drop writing this. 
Because, I am giving you up.

Where should I began? Everything happened so sudden, and never did we know we ended up like this, in a relationship that has no tittle to it.
I miss you, I really am.
It teared me apart when I have to said goodbye to you.
Because from now on, we will never be anything more than just friends.

I have chosen my decision to be with HIM.
Because you would never choose to be with me in a long run.
What we had were all lust, and I shall keep these beautiful memories in me, and I hope you too.
Maybe somewhere, maybe sometimes you would think about me.
I hope what I had given you, are enough to crave in you. Please remember me, please do not forget me. Because I wouldn't forget you. I promise.

4 days passed by (from the day I told you stop everything), yet I am longing for your texts and calls right now.
But there would be just a slim chance you would do so. I am pretty upset, but I know I have to endure these mix feelings. And hopefully, I would be fine soon, like very soon.

Honestly, if there is a chance to turn back time, I would never choose to stop this from happening.
I enjoy most of the moments being with you. You somehow did make my day a little better whenever I see you, by the sort of cuteness, laughter, ego (a lot tho) and smile (which I guess, I wouldn't forget those smile on your face).
I will miss all these about you ;')

That night when you said "Yes I want but I don't want this as the last time", it simply make me so happy, really. But I am sorry, I cannot let this going on. Is wrong, this never right.
You had given those feelings alive again, was somehow as though I was in honeymoon stage.
At a point, I would want to say "I love you", but you would never accept this. And so I keep it unspoken.

Our moments.
Our memories.
Have to come to an end.
What a beautiful sweet nothing.

Thank you.
Thank you so much for your time.
Thank you so much for treating me so well all these time.
Thank you so much for these beautiful memories. 
My last wish from you is, please, please do not forget me.
Thank you, fei g.

With sincere and love, soh g.

253. Someone New, H.I.M,

A year has passed, just like a blink of an eye.

Kelvin? Who is Kelvin after all? 

Our last spoken conversation was 3 days before my 23rd birthday, 

6th September 2014 as I can remembered it clearly, what we had been speaking through our heart out and how he left me crying there (TTDI Starbucks) alone. 

Thank God, there was someone that saved my loneliness and sadness night. 

Thank you so much, bro. 

Please don't say, "I am a little too late, huh?". Bro, you should know I always treat you as a friend, just friend. And I am totally blessed to have you as my friend, now called bro.

After getting dump by Kelvin, the days passes really like hell.

Gosh, I don't want to recalled wtf I did, wtf I said! 

THESE DAYS MUST BE THE WORSE TO ME! FUCK REGRET! 

Somehow, somewhere between my healing path I had my a guy (my now boyfriend).

I am sure, he was in his healing period too.

Well, we met during Eve Christmas and at the most hopeless place (yes, Zouk Club again).

A place which I had told myself not to fall and get serious with any guy I bump to.

But yea, thing happens unexpectedly. 

We began our friendship there and very soon (after a month) in a relationship with Ryan.

Dear Ryan,

Little did I knew, I have fallen for you so much until I given you all of me and all that I have.

I don't hope and wish much, all I want is a sincere and a loyal heart. 

(please, please do not betray our relationship).

What happened in our past, we should forgive and forget. (tho I am still trying to forget the mistake).

All I want you to know is, I LOVE YOU.

So yea, now I called you as H(e).I(s).M.(ine).

Sounded so kinky yeaa.. <3

252. DISMAL

I can't tell what makes me more unhappy.

Is a clarity indeed.
There is no reason for me to feel this way.
We are just normal friends, are we?
Why the term friends with benefit sounds so wrong to me?
Are we even at this stage of relationship? Am I refusing this fact? Is unknown to me.

What do you up to?
Can you please don't play mind game with me anymore,
I am pretty tired to be guessing all your thoughts.
Should I turn my thoughts same as them, saying, all you ever wanted is SEX
Is SEX all you ever wanting from me? I really do not wish is a yes.
Again, wasn't what I have given in is enough?

Why do you treat me good sometimes and bad sometimes?
I couldn't be in this hot and cold game any longer.
Can you be more straightforward?
Maybe you did? But I am not smart enough to get the hints?
Gosh, you are really killing the inner me!

Why didn't you text me?
It has been two days we did not message.
And this somehow makes me upset.
I wonder how have you been and what is going on with you.
Why didn't you ask me tonight?
Are you bored and tired with me after so many times to clubs?
Or my acts annoyed you? Or you found someone better?

Or maybe because I texted you, saying "don't talk to me until I am over it"?
I am a little upset at myself on my act that night (what a drunken message!)
I would wonder what if these messages were not sent, the situation will be way different,
cos you somewhat showed you wanted my attention.
Why? Why did I send those texts? Why?!

I keep telling myself that if you cared, you would do something about it.
If you cared, you would’ve stopped me when I told you not to talk to me anymore.
If you cared, I wouldn’t be feeling this way.

Everyone tells me to get rid of you, not to see you any often.
But I just can't.

251. Nothing More Than Just That

So things becoming dry and nor you or I want to make it bloom once more,
I could not deny how I feel, is sad and is hurt me a little not a bit.
Where we are, is going to be nothing more that just that, for now and next,
because you choose to not want more, not want me. And I will eventually accept the way you have chosen, I would never demand for more from you. I hope you will not change your mind or even do a little something that trigger me.

I believe your words you once said, and I trust my instinct.
We will never be more than just what we are.

I was being a fool all these times.
I am your substitution for your spare time,
you would only want me whenever you are lonely, no where to hang out and inebriated moments.
I should know, one day you will leave me, just like that, no text, and even worse, not even a single 'I know why' goodbye.
You will later find someone who will become the me now, and I wonder what I will be by then.

You really did not treasure the moment we had, the me who like you and sacrificed almost everything that I am and that I have. You just keep on accepting and not giving me the you. I ask why? And the answer is particularly clear, you don't like me. I refuse to bear on this fact, but I am trying to. Please don't make me feel worse more than this, imperfect than I feel.

The written text to you, I keep editing and edit and I still did not have the heart to click send.
I don't want me to feel regret, simply because I just want how we are now, though is a bit not a good line. But at least..
If you will to read the text, you will probably do as I ask so. Is cruel.

Well, I am still giving a little hope for us, a little hope on the change nothing more than just that for us.

250. What Are We?

What are we? 
What am I to you? A question I keep asking myself, but it always turned out nothing.
I don't know when but it just happened, you mean something to me.
You can probably just swing my mood, up and down, just like that.

Many of them said I was being stupid to make you stay, to hang out with you.
All I did for you, were because I want you. I really do.

What are we?
We went through a lot of things together, don't we?
Do you remember those nights? They keep me awake all the time.
The road trip we went, those drunken nights, where we whispered and kissed much.
Those coffee nights, those shisha nights, where we talked and laughed hard together.
I miss all of these moments with you.

I know, you did such a bad thing to me when I turned 21 that night.
But I can despite all of the mistakes taken, I forgive you, really.
I believe you, I trust you all over again.
Tho, it was something that haunts me, the night that makes me terrified.
Something that hurts me a lot, and that time I felt like it ruin my whole life.

Those messages I repeatedly read, as I just want to feel those feelings back.
I asked, and you answered
"I guess at the moment I sort of felt like that too..."
You admitted, it happened was for that moment, but then you said this,
"I guess it needs more time.."
You bring me to nowhere,  should I give in?

Did I not give all that I am?
Did I not give all that I can?
You said, you like me, but not as a wife. How funny is that?
You repeated this, "You are a pretty girl, and someone out there deserve you more than I do"
I felt flatted when you praise me, but why, why not you? Why not you having me?
And I remember you said, "you will regret".
I admit, it was a big mistake, but I will not regret. Not a bit, because I know I wanted this.

For you,
I can ignore what others look at me.
What will people talk about me, I don't care much on them.
Because I make a decision to want you, I care about you more than others do.

And then, yesterday you told me shit.
Are you giving me hints?
What do you up to?
What do you want from us?

Many told me to keep a distance from you, they do not want to see me feeling like this all the time.
I did write a text on that night, yet something holds me on to not to send the cruel message, because I am afraid I will regret and you will not contact me anymore, I don't want to see this happen. And then it left no chance for us, tho there is just a slim chance for us now, but at least.

Why didn't you text me tonight?
What are you doing out there?
Who are you with now? Are you having fun?
What will you be doing tomorrow?
No doubt, but to club. I am upset to be not beside you.

I am lost and confused.
Your actions are so contrasting from the words you speak.
What should I do? Should I wait for the time? The time for us.
All I know now is, I really like you... maybe a little a lot.

Will you like me back at how much I like you or more?
 

249. Flings?

So there is something that I am still figuring out. What do you think about open relationship or part time lover or now with the popular word 'flings'? Does this kindda relationship is called 'friend with benefits'?

I must admit I went through this once. And yes it was a really happy-go-lucky kindda relationship, all the way was like if you are free or bored you can always find him to spare your time. But, later i found out myself is not suitable with this kindda relationship, he left to California and I do miss him sometimes. I bet he dosen't..people around me said he is a player. He gave me nothing but with some memories with him. He is really sucha funny guy, he makes me laugh a lot. At time, I was so scared I might fall for him, but I know I shouldn't. Because he has said "Do not fall for me till I come back to Malaysia"..lol how funny was this right? and he always bullied me, 'noob' was what he called me all times cos :<

What more I can say is, girls will always be the wasted/giver ones in this relationship cos you gotto give in to makes it happening (though it is for a short period of time). To be honest, we did not do much in ours, cos I am kindda "not open minded" to give in so much and thank god he is not so aggressive for it.

Sometimes, I do miss you a lot Victor.

Hope you are doing well over there. Probably we will not meet again.

Thanks for the memories we shared :>

248. Random Updates

Hey there, I am back to blogspot again. Yea it has been a pretty long time since my last blog.This is all due to I am having Instagram, it apparently helps me to update things I am doing on the spot so I neglected my blogspot. 

There are many ups and downs I faced for the past freaking months, not to mention it is like from the beginning of the year. Yea, hell shitty isn't it? But life goes on, everything will be upright if you believe and want it to be :)

First of all, I wanna talk about the rubbish confession page my Uni is having. Yea, I mean it, rubbish! I don't get why the admin(some unknown student) created it. Read all kinds of wall posts they wrote, really perverted jerks and bitchies around, "Eh hello, is not  proud to tell it in public how your sex life are and how horny you are please! Do you know this eventually spoil the Uni reputation?!" Really brainless people who talked about the sex thing and spread it around! Other than this, I guessed are all okay? Cos I seldom refer to the page -.-. And I am not proud or feel famous my name was mentioned few times there, pervert post saying my pair of legs, saying someone likes me, saying I go clubs and of cos some hates me. I mean no one is perfect, everyone will has at least few haters. Hahaaa. Anyway, the thing is, "if" you really like me have the guts and be friend, whats the point telling it in the page, "what you expect me to figure it out?". Seriously, i don't get it. I prefer people who are straight forward rather than being so secretive.

Now, talking about people and places I went through lately. I admit, most of my checked-in were to clubs (many of my friends have issue with it, I know they are being a good friends but.. if you know how I am in club, i think they will be alright with it) these were cos of events and birthday celebrations. I ain't a hardcore clubber tho.
There were things happened after club, self reminder; never ever look for guys in club if you want a further relationship. I went through hell twice and I learnt my lesson. Being friends are fine, but do not put so much hopes on them, typical clubber will always be typical clubber. Guys will used the same techniques to have you in club, and girls like me (dumbass/naiive) will eventually drowned with their words. These all happened few months back, and yes I got hurt and cried but I am so good now!

Some pictures here, so my blog wouldn't looks so boring. Loll.

2nd March 2013, Zouk Club.
"Is not a good start, is not a good moment. I've learn my mistake. Thank you for passing-by."
 You taught me a lot, you never fail to make me believed in the things you said. And then, you left it just like that, yes, just like that!!

29th March 2013, Zouk 9th Anniversary.
A night which I wish he was here. A night when I thought I was special and the stupidest message I sent. Perhaps, he was there laughing and thought I was a dumb girl.

19th May 2013, Zouk Club.
A night that I will not forget. Van babe thanks for handling my worst and tolerate the most ugly side of me. Thank you very much <3 <3

31st May 2013, Zouk Club.
Here for Lek's 21st Birthday. And someone really disappointed me. Never a good guy,huh?

8th June 2013, Barfly.
Shisha and drinking session with the girls. Always keep in mind, "A fling will just be a fling, never drop tears for him tho it is hurt, because he do not cross the boyfriend zone." "You probably just missed the moment but not him."

Yeah, done with clubbing and drinking pictures.

8th-10th March 2013, worked at Johor Bahru.
Meet this sexy girl, Jasmine.

30th March 2013, My Elephant (Thai cuisine).
Was well prepared yet nervous day. First and the last time we dated.
 Was a great night with him, not.

13rd June 2013, Semester break
Hanged-out with Tanya and Shinyee at Sunway Pyramid - Upstairs Cafe - Mai Cafe (shisha).

Wanna see some changes on me? Lol.

When I got long hair? HAHAHHA

 Back to basic, my hair is short once again. Kindda regret a bit after cutting it so short :( But oh well, it will grows.

Anyway, the new semester just started this week. And I decided to take 3 subjects only, do not want to stress myself so much (not like last semester). Oh ya, the results are out today, and I am pretty satisfied with them. Hopefully I can maintain my grades and cgpa for my upcoming semesters :D :D

That's all for tonight. Bye!

Joyee

247.

During the 2nd week of February, almost all my besties were flying to oversea to further their studies.

The only one who left here with me is Vanny.

Yeah, MeeMee, ShaSha and WenMin had fly. 

Baos, Good Luck and All The Best in your future.

Hope to see you guys real soon. I am missing all of you. Love you.

I wonder will it be a hard time for me to know new people in Uni.

This question linger for quit some times, hopefully I can really find a group of friends that I can fit in.

11.02.12

BaoMee was leaving to New Zealand.

14.02.12

Had Valentine's Lunch with BaoSha before she fly to Aussie the next day.

16.02.12

BaoMin leaving to Aussie.