I can't tell what makes me more unhappy.
Is a clarity indeed.
There is no reason for me to feel this way.
We are just normal friends, are we?
Why the term friends with benefit sounds so wrong to me?
Are we even at this stage of relationship? Am I refusing this fact? Is unknown to me.
What do you up to?
Can you please don't play mind game with me anymore,
I am pretty tired to be guessing all your thoughts.
Should I turn my thoughts same as them, saying, all you ever wanted is SEX
Is SEX all you ever wanting from me? I really do not wish is a yes.
Again, wasn't what I have given in is enough?
Why do you treat me good sometimes and bad sometimes?
I couldn't be in this hot and cold game any longer.
Can you be more straightforward?
Maybe you did? But I am not smart enough to get the hints?
Gosh, you are really killing the inner me!
Why didn't you text me?
It has been two days we did not message.
And this somehow makes me upset.
I wonder how have you been and what is going on with you.
Why didn't you ask me tonight?
Are you bored and tired with me after so many times to clubs?
Or my acts annoyed you? Or you found someone better?
Or maybe because I texted you, saying "don't talk to me until I am over it"?
I am a little upset at myself on my act that night (what a drunken message!)
I would wonder what if these messages were not sent, the situation will be way different,
cos you somewhat showed you wanted my attention.
Why? Why did I send those texts? Why?!
I keep telling myself that if you cared, you would do something about it.
If you cared, you would’ve stopped me when I told you not to talk to me anymore.
If you cared, I wouldn’t be feeling this way.
Everyone tells me to get rid of you, not to see you any often.
But I just can't.
Saturday, April 12, 2014
Sunday, March 30, 2014
251. Nothing More Than Just That
So things becoming dry and nor you or I want to make it bloom once more,
I could not deny how I feel, is sad and is hurt me a little not a bit.
Where we are, is going to be nothing more that just that, for now and next,
because you choose to not want more, not want me. And I will eventually accept the way you have chosen, I would never demand for more from you. I hope you will not change your mind or even do a little something that trigger me.
I believe your words you once said, and I trust my instinct.
We will never be more than just what we are.
I was being a fool all these times.
I am your substitution for your spare time,
you would only want me whenever you are lonely, no where to hang out and inebriated moments.
I should know, one day you will leave me, just like that, no text, and even worse, not even a single 'I know why' goodbye.
You will later find someone who will become the me now, and I wonder what I will be by then.
You really did not treasure the moment we had, the me who like you and sacrificed almost everything that I am and that I have. You just keep on accepting and not giving me the you. I ask why? And the answer is particularly clear, you don't like me. I refuse to bear on this fact, but I am trying to. Please don't make me feel worse more than this, imperfect than I feel.
The written text to you, I keep editing and edit and I still did not have the heart to click send.
I don't want me to feel regret, simply because I just want how we are now, though is a bit not a good line. But at least..
If you will to read the text, you will probably do as I ask so. Is cruel.
Well, I am still giving a little hope for us, a little hope on the change nothing more than just that for us.
I could not deny how I feel, is sad and is hurt me a little not a bit.
Where we are, is going to be nothing more that just that, for now and next,
because you choose to not want more, not want me. And I will eventually accept the way you have chosen, I would never demand for more from you. I hope you will not change your mind or even do a little something that trigger me.
I believe your words you once said, and I trust my instinct.
We will never be more than just what we are.
I was being a fool all these times.
I am your substitution for your spare time,
you would only want me whenever you are lonely, no where to hang out and inebriated moments.
I should know, one day you will leave me, just like that, no text, and even worse, not even a single 'I know why' goodbye.
You will later find someone who will become the me now, and I wonder what I will be by then.
You really did not treasure the moment we had, the me who like you and sacrificed almost everything that I am and that I have. You just keep on accepting and not giving me the you. I ask why? And the answer is particularly clear, you don't like me. I refuse to bear on this fact, but I am trying to. Please don't make me feel worse more than this, imperfect than I feel.
The written text to you, I keep editing and edit and I still did not have the heart to click send.
I don't want me to feel regret, simply because I just want how we are now, though is a bit not a good line. But at least..
If you will to read the text, you will probably do as I ask so. Is cruel.
Well, I am still giving a little hope for us, a little hope on the change nothing more than just that for us.
Friday, March 7, 2014
250. What Are We?
What are we?
What am I to you? A question I keep asking myself, but it always turned out nothing.
I don't know when but it just happened, you mean something to me.
You can probably just swing my mood, up and down, just like that.
Many of them said I was being stupid to make you stay, to hang out with you.
All I did for you, were because I want you. I really do.
What are we?
We went through a lot of things together, don't we?
Do you remember those nights? They keep me awake all the time.
The road trip we went, those drunken nights, where we whispered and kissed much.
Those coffee nights, those shisha nights, where we talked and laughed hard together.
I miss all of these moments with you.
I know, you did such a bad thing to me when I turned 21 that night.
But I can despite all of the mistakes taken, I forgive you, really.
I believe you, I trust you all over again.
Tho, it was something that haunts me, the night that makes me terrified.
Something that hurts me a lot, and that time I felt like it ruin my whole life.
Those messages I repeatedly read, as I just want to feel those feelings back.
I asked, and you answered
"I guess at the moment I sort of felt like that too..."
You admitted, it happened was for that moment, but then you said this,
"I guess it needs more time.."
You bring me to nowhere, should I give in?
Did I not give all that I am?
Did I not give all that I can?
You said, you like me, but not as a wife. How funny is that?
You repeated this, "You are a pretty girl, and someone out there deserve you more than I do"
I felt flatted when you praise me, but why, why not you? Why not you having me?
And I remember you said, "you will regret".
I admit, it was a big mistake, but I will not regret. Not a bit, because I know I wanted this.
For you,
I can ignore what others look at me.
What will people talk about me, I don't care much on them.
Because I make a decision to want you, I care about you more than others do.
And then, yesterday you told me shit.
Are you giving me hints?
What do you up to?
What do you want from us?
Many told me to keep a distance from you, they do not want to see me feeling like this all the time.
I did write a text on that night, yet something holds me on to not to send the cruel message, because I am afraid I will regret and you will not contact me anymore, I don't want to see this happen. And then it left no chance for us, tho there is just a slim chance for us now, but at least.
Why didn't you text me tonight?
What are you doing out there?
Who are you with now? Are you having fun?
What will you be doing tomorrow?
No doubt, but to club. I am upset to be not beside you.
I am lost and confused.
Your actions are so contrasting from the words you speak.
What should I do? Should I wait for the time? The time for us.
All I know now is, I really like you... maybe a little a lot.
Will you like me back at how much I like you or more?
What am I to you? A question I keep asking myself, but it always turned out nothing.
I don't know when but it just happened, you mean something to me.
You can probably just swing my mood, up and down, just like that.
Many of them said I was being stupid to make you stay, to hang out with you.
All I did for you, were because I want you. I really do.
What are we?
We went through a lot of things together, don't we?
Do you remember those nights? They keep me awake all the time.
The road trip we went, those drunken nights, where we whispered and kissed much.
Those coffee nights, those shisha nights, where we talked and laughed hard together.
I miss all of these moments with you.
I know, you did such a bad thing to me when I turned 21 that night.
But I can despite all of the mistakes taken, I forgive you, really.
I believe you, I trust you all over again.
Tho, it was something that haunts me, the night that makes me terrified.
Something that hurts me a lot, and that time I felt like it ruin my whole life.
Those messages I repeatedly read, as I just want to feel those feelings back.
I asked, and you answered
"I guess at the moment I sort of felt like that too..."
You admitted, it happened was for that moment, but then you said this,
"I guess it needs more time.."
You bring me to nowhere, should I give in?
Did I not give all that I am?
Did I not give all that I can?
You said, you like me, but not as a wife. How funny is that?
You repeated this, "You are a pretty girl, and someone out there deserve you more than I do"
I felt flatted when you praise me, but why, why not you? Why not you having me?
And I remember you said, "you will regret".
I admit, it was a big mistake, but I will not regret. Not a bit, because I know I wanted this.
For you,
I can ignore what others look at me.
What will people talk about me, I don't care much on them.
Because I make a decision to want you, I care about you more than others do.
And then, yesterday you told me shit.
Are you giving me hints?
What do you up to?
What do you want from us?
Many told me to keep a distance from you, they do not want to see me feeling like this all the time.
I did write a text on that night, yet something holds me on to not to send the cruel message, because I am afraid I will regret and you will not contact me anymore, I don't want to see this happen. And then it left no chance for us, tho there is just a slim chance for us now, but at least.
Why didn't you text me tonight?
What are you doing out there?
Who are you with now? Are you having fun?
What will you be doing tomorrow?
No doubt, but to club. I am upset to be not beside you.
I am lost and confused.
Your actions are so contrasting from the words you speak.
What should I do? Should I wait for the time? The time for us.
All I know now is, I really like you... maybe a little a lot.
Will you like me back at how much I like you or more?
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