229. 2days

Now 3.11 in the morning.

And I am blogging at this hour, I can't really get a good night sleep lately. 

Cos maybe I was stressing up myself too much about my finals and stuffs happened few days back =/

Just to mention here, I am finally done with my exams, and here it comes the 3 weeks breaks.

Gonna try to make my breaks effectively, stress free, problem free and feeling fresh before the new semester starts :)

Heading to Genting Highland some hours later, gonna scream my lungs out and forget what happened in life recently. Have to enjoy myself, and a promise to myself to let things go easily no more eyes tearing.

There is something that linger in me since the past few days.

I do not know why, but somehow I am upset, really.

Love at the first sight? Yes, he was my loved at the first sight. I met him in a pub, actually he was my friend's Uni friend, we got to know each other on that day. And soon, we were friend in FB, chat for some days, and we exchanged numbers (Nope, was me who asked him first..so daring,right? Hahaa). At first, to me it was just like, "I want to know you more" this kindda feeling, days past and I found he was somehow a "cute, funny, lame" guy who I think was really interesting. The very first time we went out, was in a cupcakes cafe, that day was my most nervous day after all, because was the first time going out with him solely, I admit I was a bit shy, but luckily the day didn't looked so awkward. We laughed, talked a lot. Till then, I was really looking forward for the next outing, and really happened we did for the second time, watching "The Vow" together, but the day was a bad one, cos I was somehow sick that morning but I cannot cancel the plan, I want to meet him. Days past us by, and things went through the way I never thought of, and my feeling for him slowly changed.

Long story short, I was from "wanting to know him" to "liking him" and maybe "falling for him".
 To make sure I was really falling in love with him, I took every single steps slowly, because I do not want a rushing relationship, I had experienced before, and it bad. Just followed the flows, every moment looked perfect, and I thought, we were having the same feeling for each other at that time, I really thought it was a slightly ambiguous feeling and moment. To be honest, I do not purposely type words wrongly, they were all "typos", and because of so many typos, those messages and replies sometimes they trigger and tickle my heart, and somehow I liked it 
(Loll.. xp).

I was really falling for him, I really did. So, I had planned to confess to him soon. My close friends know whats going on, they always told me not to be late and make the first move from the time I told them about him. To make him not to be so shock when its time for me to tell my feeling, I gave him some hints that I like him, but I do not know whether he got that meaning or not. Anyway, I make a plan to confess which is on the next date. I thought of going out with him again to celebrate his birthday, I had make a "hand-made" card for him, the silly thing was, I even asked my friends to teach me to draw a cupcake, cos I am really bad in drawing, but yea, I did draw a "cute mini cupcake" on the card :). Seriously, I wanted my exams to end much earlier because I could not hide my feeling any longer. And finally my finals ended today, and its time. I was really falling for him and I want him to know.

"It is too late to ask for love? It is wrong to feel right?"

Yes, everything was too late, on Friday night, I saw some pictures around his FB profile. I told Min about it, she advice me to clarify after my exams, but my instinct told me they were just friend. The next day, when we chat I asked him about it, and he answered  me "yes", "few days ago", that moment was a shocking, hurting, heart-breaking and tears falling for me. My instinct prove me wrong. I was numb, thinking about the plan that I've planned for him and everything I've done. He is now my friend's boyfriend. She asked me before how I felt for her friend (him), but I did not directly answered her. 

The very awful situation was, after knowing he is now in a relationship, I told him I like him and asked for a chance. I really felt myself such a bitch after I was sober. How can I said that, he is my friend's boyfriend already. All he said was "I am sorry" and all I answered was "is okayy" (tell me what else more I can reply him?!). And now I cannot fall in love with him, because he is my friend's boyfriend, how can I still fall in love with him,right? He's my friend's boyfriend! *Wake up Joyee, wake up!"

After all, from the very beginning where I thought we were falling in love was all bullshit, was me who over think, over felt, this was a one-sided love. was me who naively think we could be together and was me who stupidly plan the next outing, making card and all the confessing moment #fml. And now everything has to be stop. I have to vanish him from all my thoughts and feelings. Is a hard time, but I have to, cos I cannot get in love with someone who has a girlfriend, and he is my friend's boyfriend.

And, if to compare between me and my friend, of cos, she is better, because 1.They know each other for years. 2.They are studying in the same Uni taking the same course. 3.They are friends. But to me and him we do not have similarities, is liking coffee and Taylor Swift, count? #stupidlamereason.   

Right now, for me, I hope we can still remain our friendship, even though, he knows how and what I feel about him.
I will try my very best to make the liking feeling fade away soon.
I really hope this thing will not ruin our friendship. I do not want to loose him.

Yet, I am thinking;
"What if I tell him much much more earlier, What if my exams end earlier, What if..."
"Will this still happens?"


"I'm sorry, I should not fall for you from the very beginning."